


Will the Real LT Please Stand Up?

by chellerrific



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Gen, Sitcom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-09 05:42:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8878138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chellerrific/pseuds/chellerrific
Summary: The Presidium Precinct is a prestigious profession, proffered as preeminent in every procession, premier precocious prefects of the primary prevention, premium practitioners of principle protection, practical and proactive with all of their perceptions, precepts preconceived are merely profitless projections, pretty, proud, prodigious in their every prepossession, the Presidium Precinct is a prestigious profession!





	1. The New Kid

**Author's Note:**

> This is a collection of shorts set in a version of the ME universe where everything is silly and nothing hurts, inspired by repeatedly watching _Brooklyn 99_ reruns. As my handy alpha Phil put it, “slice of life fic without being regular slice of life.” Aka the CitCom. I’ll add new chapters probably weekly, along with tags as they become relevant.
> 
> Special thanks to Amanda for her encouragement, her interest, and, as always, her Amandaness.

There was a knock on the door, three sharp taps. Very precise and duteous.

Lieutenant Shepard looked up from the report she was swiping through. “Come in,” she said.

A woman she recognized only from a file photo stepped through the door. The woman was wearing a white blouse tucked and belted into a pair of charcoal slacks, a matching blazer fitted against her frame to complete the ensemble. Her black hair was pinned back neatly in a bun at the nape of her neck. Her olive complexion suggested mixed ancestry—mixed human, that was; there was nothing alien about her appearance at all. She stood at attention. “Lieutenant Shepard, I’m Detective Ashley Williams, ma’am.”

Shepard stood, extending a hand. “Ah, Jenkins’ replacement. Nice to meet you, Detective Williams. Glad to have you aboard. Sit down a minute and let’s talk. Transferred here from Eden Prime, is that correct?”

“It is, ma’am,” Ashley said, taking a seat as instructed.

“How’d you like it there?”

Ashley hesitated.

Shepard let it go for a long moment. “I hadn’t realized that question was a stumper,” she said finally.

“No, it’s just—I guess I’m not always sure how to respond to a commanding officer,” Ashley admitted.

“Words, usually, are a good way to go.”

“Not that, ma’am. I’ve had superiors in the past who didn’t appreciate my tendency to be… candid.”

“Williams, I wouldn’t ask you a question I didn’t want an honest answer to,” Shepard said.

“Right. Of course.” Ashley squared her shoulders. “Pretty but dead boring, ma’am. I can’t say I’m sorry to see the back of it.”

“Well, then, you’ve come to the right place, because here it’s more of the same except I hope our brand of boring is a shade above ‘dead.’ If nothing else, the senior sergeant is a funny drunk at the Armistice Day party. Don’t tell him I said that. If he finds out he can be entertaining he might stop.”

“Noted,” said Ashley.

“Anyway, you know the spiel. The Presidium Precinct is a prestigious—ah, hell. One of our lab guys made up this song and once you hear it, it never goes away, and…” Shepard coughed and tried again. “This here district is the most… best… place to work on the Citadel, in terms of… status. As you know, the best of the best are assigned to work here because we’re the last line of defense keeping the Council safe.”

“Doesn’t that mean anyone who wants to attack the Council would have to go through pretty much the rest of C-Sec first? Seems like the ‘best of the best’ would see the least amount of action… albeit for the highest pay.”

Shepard smiled faintly. “We make our own fun.”

Ashley felt an inexplicable chill. “Well, I guess it’s kind of a moot point. After all, who would try a full-scale assault on the Citadel?”

“Exactly,” Shepard said with a nod. “Don’t worry, people will always be people, even the ones with carapaces. There are more than enough little everyday fires that need putting out. Figurative fires. Well, usually. Maybe not on weekends. Or if too many drunk krogan get involved. So is that why you transferred back to the Citadel? Tired of the colonial life?”

Again Ashley hesitated. “That’s… Well, I…”

“Williams,” Shepard prompted, an edge to her voice.

“Yes, ma’am. My file probably says my transfer was a mutual decision, but that’s—inaccurate,” Ashley said, clenching her fists in her lap. “Admittedly I had asked to be transferred off Eden Prime in the past, but no unit would take me. This time it was finally my captain who got tired of having me.”

“You’re not exactly giving yourself a ringing endorsement here,” Shepard said.

“You did tell me to be honest, ma’am,” Ashley said, with more contrition than cheek.

“The captain and I went over your record as soon as we got word of your assignment. It’s spotless. Any unit should be proud to have you. Or are those more… ‘inaccuracies’?”

“Not at all!” Ashley said vehemently. “I’m a detective because I love my job and because I’m good at it. I’ve earned every advancement I’ve made.”

“I didn’t mean to suggest otherwise.”

“I guess it’s a subject I’m a little touchy about,” Ashley said.

“You don’t say,” Shepard said dryly. “What is it here that I’m not getting? I don’t see anything in your record that would explain trouble. Not even disciplinary actions, so I know it’s not your… candidness.” She furrowed her brow. “Are you racist or something?”

“What? I don’t—” Ashley sighed. “It’s nothing like that. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you didn’t know. That’s new for me. Seems like my reputation always precedes me, or at least my family’s reputation. Williams, ma’am—does the name happen to ring any bells?”

Shepard raised an eyebrow. “About as many as Smith or Lee or Actus.”

Ashley continued to hedge, but finally she said, “Well, my grandfather—”

The door slid open, causing Ashley and Shepard to both turn towards it sharply. “Hey, LT,” Joker said, hobbling forward. “I heard we’re getting a relative of that old train wreck Williams, from Shanxi. Oh, man, I’d hate to be that guy. How humiliating. I’ve got some really good gags lined up so you gotta tell me when he gets here so I…” Joker trailed off, noticing Shepard wasn’t alone. “Am I interrupting something?”

“Literally always,” Shepard said.

Joker glanced at Ashley. “Uh, hi. Please tell me your name isn’t Williams.”

Ashley didn’t answer, just continued to stare him down from her seat.

Joker had the grace to look chagrined and a little afraid as he backed away. “My bad. Uh, my name is Garrus Vakarian. Usually I’m a turian. Been a pleasure and I look forward to working with you!” He called the last bit over the sound of the shutting door.

“Ignore him,” Shepard said. “Most of us do. That’s Joker, our IT lead. He’s good at his job and most of the time a decent guy but sometimes you just want to punch him right in the face.”

“‘Joker’?” Ashley repeated. “Please tell me that’s supposed to be ironic.”

“Well, it started out that way. He sort of grew into it, regrettably.”

“Ah. ‘For ’tis the sport to have the enginer, hoist with his own petar’,’” Ashley said.

Shepard stared for a moment. Then she pointed a finger at Ashley. “That’s a poem. You’re quoting a poem.”

“Shakespeare. Hamlet,” Ashley said, laughing.

“Oh. I saw that. The Francis Kitt one. ‘With anguish, to be or not to be.’”

“Yeah, that…” Ashley rubbed the back of her neck and quickly changed the subject. “So I guess _actually_ punching the IT guy is off the table?” she said, her words tinged with hope.

“It is,” Shepard said. “He has Vrolik syndrome. Even if you pulled your punch, you would kill him, and that’s a lot of extra procedure for both of us.”

Ashley glanced up at the ceiling. “Just curious.”

“Anyway, you were telling me about your… grandfather?”

Ashley grimaced. “The extranet is chock full of info on the subject. As much as I would appreciate the chance to spin it myself, I hope you understand why it might not be my favorite subject to talk about, especially with my new boss on my first day.”

Shepard groaned inwardly. She didn’t want to spend all day on the extranet doing _research_. She would just ask Joker for his best zingers and extrapolate from there. “Of course, Williams,” she told Ashley. “In any case, you aren’t your grandfather, and I judge people based on their own merits. Just try not to blow anything up and you’ll do fine.”

Ashley frowned. “That’s not funny, ma’am. If you knew about my grandfather, you should have just said so.”

“Uh,” Shepard said intelligently. “That’s—uh… thank you and dismissed, Detective!”


	2. What’s in a Name?

Joker watched the shuttle fly away, then quickly limped back to his desk. “She’s gone,” he said to EDI. “Let’s make this fast.”

“Time should not be a problem,” EDI said, her metal fingers flying across the keyboard with a speed no organic hands could achieve. “Though it would be faster if you would let me interface directly with the network.”

“I told you, it’s too hard to cover that kind of trail,” Joker said. “We’re just going to have to do this the old-fashioned way.”

“Jeff, I am a fully-developed artificial intelligence using state-of-the-art technology to hack an advanced database. I’m not entirely sure any part of that qualifies as ‘old-fashioned.’”

“EDI, come on,” Joker said.

“You’re right. That is beside the point.” She turned her full attention back to the terminal.

Tali stopped in front of the desk, hands resting on cocked hips. “And just what are you two getting into?”

“Settling a bet,” Joker said. “We’re finding out Shepard’s first name.”

“What?” Tali said. “What kind of bet is that? Do you just make guesses and whoever gets the most letters right wins?”

“No, no, the bet’s not about what her name _is,”_ Joker said. “It’s about whether or not we can _find_ it. Garrus doesn’t think EDI and I can.”

“I didn’t say you _couldn’t,”_ Garrus said, glancing up from his own terminal. “I said you _shouldn’t._ For one thing I’m fairly certain whatever methods you’re using to break into a secure network are illegal. For another, I don’t really know what you expect to get out of this besides an ass-kicking when Shepard finds out you’ve been in her personal files.”

“So why didn’t you rat us out already?” Joker asked.

“I’d _hoped_ you would think better of it yourself. Also, I would like to see you get your ass kicked,” Garrus said, tenting his long fingers in an uncharacteristically villainous way.

“Ignore him, EDI,” Joker said, waving Garrus off. “His official title might be C-Sec sergeant but he’s really captain of the fun police.”

“Why is this so important?” Tali asked.

“Because nobody knows! Shepard never tells anyone. Or at least, not anyone who will _tell us.”_ He shot a look at Garrus.

“I told you, I don’t know it either,” Garrus said.

“Biometric scans suggest he’s being truthful,” EDI said.

“Don’t waste your processing power on that,” Joker told her.

“I have more than enough to spare for multiple simultaneous tasks. For example, I am also reading the collected works of the elcor poet Godan and watching a vid that involves two females and one small receptacle.”

There was a long silence.

“That was a joke,” EDI said.

“I never get any better at telling,” Tali admitted, shaking her head.

“Deductive reasoning is one method,” EDI said. “It’s a known fact I have never been fond of elcor poetry. Jeff, I have news to report. I have made it past the firewalls and am decrypting target files.”

Joker beamed. “What’d I tell you guys?”

“Nothing we didn’t already know,” Garrus said.

“That’s about to change!” Joker declared.

“Oh,” EDI said.

“‘Oh’?” Joker’s confidence faded abruptly. “What does ‘oh’ mean? I don’t like the sound of that ‘oh.’”

“In this instance, ‘oh’ refers to my surprise and disappointment at my findings. Or rather, lack thereof. The records I procured list Shepard’s name only as… Shepard.”

“Shepard Shepard?” Joker said hopefully.

“No, just… Shepard.”

“That can’t be right. Let me see, bring it up on the screen,” Joker said, leaning over her to reach the keyboard. After a few moments of furious swipes and keystrokes, he grunted. “Well, I’ll be damned.”

“I’m almost starting to wish I had actually made this bet,” Garrus said. “Looks like I’d be collecting.”

“Move over, Joker. Let the professional try,” Tali said, invested in spite of herself.

For his own safety Joker tried to oblige before she could muscle her way into his space, but he still took a sharp elbow to the humerus. “I _am_ a professional,” Joker said, rubbing his arm.

“In _information_ technology,” Tali said dismissively as she typed. “I’m an _engineer._ I know how _all_ technology works.”

“Ever heard the saying, ‘jack of all trades, master of none’?” Joker muttered.

“No.”

“He’s implying that his specialized expertise surpasses your broader range of knowledge,” EDI explained.

“That’s cute, Joker,” Tali said. “When I figure this out, I’ll try not to gloat _too_ much.”

“Isn’t EDI the one who did the brunt of the work?” Garrus said, but as usual everyone ignored him.

“There,” Tali said triumphantly. “Shepard’s name is—‘not applicable’? What?”

“‘Not applicable,’” Joker repeated. “That’s nice. What is it, French? Batarian?”

“Shut up,” Tali said. “That was just my opening move. I still have—”

Suddenly every active console in the room blinked off. Tali jumped back in surprise, but before she could investigate, the screens all flashed back on, blank but for four giant words that a VI read aloud to make sure no one missed them: _“GET BACK TO WORK.”_

Joker, Tali, and EDI all turned to find Shepard behind them, in the process of retracting her omni-tool with a few final taps.

Tali turned to Garrus, who had a clear view of their boss’s approach. “Thanks for the warning, _bosh’tet,”_ she muttered.

Garrus shrugged unsympathetically.

“LT, back so soon!” Joker said with forced good cheer. “What a pleasant—”

“Can it,” Shepard said. “I installed a program that pings me every time someone tries to pull a stunt like this. Luckily I was still close enough to turn back around for an instant reaming. Guys, honestly. Complete waste of time aside, what part of ‘classified’ don’t you understand?”

“The… L?” Joker ventured.

Shepard gave him a withering look that was almost as bad as an actual blow. “Now, as the nice VI is yelling over and over again, _get back to work,_ all of you. Sergeant, good to see you’re keeping your squad in line,” she added to Garrus.

Garrus started in surprise. “W-well, I suppose I—”

“Uh-huh,” Shepard said. “Maybe I should call in Iron Fist Alenko if you’re not up to the task.”

Garrus fumbled around for something professional to turn his attention to. Unfortunately the first thing he grabbed was the latest issue of _Fornax_. He immediately dropped it like it was radioactive, then settled for leaning forward on his desk, mandible propped up in one hand, trying to look nonchalant. “It won’t happen again,” he said, in his calmest, most confident voice.

Shepard sighed and shook her head, then headed for her office. After a moment, EDI stood up and followed, ignoring Joker’s insistence that that was the worst idea ever since the last one they’d had.

“Shepard, forgive me for intruding on your bad mood,” EDI said.

“What is it, EDI?” Shepard asked, rummaging around in her desk.

“I did not detect any programs such as the one you described in the system.”

“Oh. There isn’t one. I only said that to remind them I’m all-powerful. I came back by coincidence to get my lunch.” She plopped a paper bag on the desktop. It had the word FOOD printed on it, with a cartoon krogan logo. “Normally this would go without saying, but in this instance I’ll specify that you shouldn’t share this information with the others, especially not Joker. Fear and paranoia are the only ways to keep him from going completely out of control.”

“I see.” EDI paused. “I have updated my protocol with this new information. I believe it may be beneficial in my relationship with Jeff to understand how best to dominate him.”

Shepard paused. “That was a joke?” she prompted.

“Partially.”

Shepard shrugged. “Good enough.”


	3. Noise Complaint, Pt. 1

“So let’s go over this again,” James said, rubbing his temple with one hand while the other drummed a tattoo on the desktop. “Your neighbor did what, exactly?”

Thane Krios sat forward, hands clasped beneath his chin. His eyes flashed with muted but righteous fury as he spoke in rapid, clipped words. “It’s quite simple, really. _The wailing. Cacophonous and dissonant, like a storm, like a hurricane, as if Kalahira herself had come. One caterwaul blurring into the next: Varrencage. Dramaxeens. Bootyherax. So loud it’s painful. Like thunder, but the sky is clear. Crowds of ruffians. Brought together, reckless abandon, nonstop ballyhoo. And the screams. The screams. The screams. The end of the world is nigh.”_

“Right. That’s still not any more helpful than it was the first four times,” James said. “Translated into, like… normal, what you’re saying is… your neighbor is too loud. Loud music, loud parties, and loud… torture-murder…?”

“Sex,” Thane corrected. “I believe. On this, I would prefer to give her the benefit of the doubt.”

“Okayyy.” James’ eyes darted over to Ashley’s desk. Tali and Joker were gathered there with her, and all three of them were trying to stifle their laughter. “Do you know your neighbor’s name?”

“She calls herself Jack,” Thane said. “I know not if that is her true name. Perhaps it is a soubriquet, a nickname of sorts.”

“Yeah,” said James. “Okay, Mr. Krios—”

“Thane. Please.”

“Thane. Sir. I just need you to go over these forms again and make sure they’re correct, then see that officer over there and she’ll tell you what to do next.” He pointed directly at Ashley, who abruptly stopped laughing. “I’ve got to speak with my boss.”

Thane nodded sharply, once. “I hope that you can do something to bring this matter to a swift and peaceful end. I have a son. I cannot allow him to be exposed to this sort of behavior. Not to mention he needs his night night time.”

“Of course. We’ll do everything we can.” James stood, holding his hand out to Thane. They shook firmly, then James left Thane to double-check the information on his datapad.

James stepped through the door to Shepard’s office as soon as it was open wide enough to permit him. “Lieutenant,” he said.

Shepard didn’t even try to pretend she wasn’t playing three-point can ball with the trash bot, her shot banking into the narrow opening with a clang. “What’s the matter, Vega?”

“Got a problem with a noise complaint,” James said.

“What? Why are you dealing with a noise complaint, unless it’s coming from Valern or something?”

“I’m the wrong person to ask about that, ma’am,” James said noncommittally. “What I can tell you is that the complaint’s being filed against someone named Jack.” He pointed to the holographic display on the wall where a number of standing orders were displayed, including one to report any problems regarding Jack directly to Shepard.

“Oh,” Shepard said, not bothering to suppress a small noise of irritation. “And here I had this wild notion today _wasn’t_ going to be a giant headache.”

“Don’t know where you got that idea, ma’am,” James said.

“Me neither. A dream, probably.” Shepard sat up, her chair’s springs giving a small squeak as it swung back into an upright position. “All right. I’ll take Alenko with me. He can do that thing where he deals with other people’s feelings so I don’t have to. You know, that thing he does where he pretends to care?”

“I think you mean empathy. And I don’t… think he’s pretending.”

“Tur-ri-an, too-ri-an,” Shepard said dismissively, getting to her feet. “Who filed the complaint, anyway?”

“A drell,” James said. He had to double-check his report before responding, “Krios. Thane Krios.”

Shepard hesitated in the middle of gathering her things.

James frowned. “Something the matter, Lola?”

She shook her head and resumed organizing. “No. Nothing. Anyway, thanks, Vega. I’ll take it from here.”

When James left Shepard’s office, Ashley, Tali, and Joker burst out laughing. Thane was gone, so James made a beeline for Ashley’s desk.

“Great use of department resources, Williams,” James said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Come on, Vega, you know I’m just messing with you,” Ashley said, leaning back in her chair with the leisurely air of an asari maiden on a smoke break.

James leaned forward, palms flat on her desktop. If Ashley were sitting up, he would really be invading her personal space. “Not the kind of messing with I’m into and you know it.”

Ashley cocked an eyebrow. “Oh, I know it. That’s part of what makes it so fun.”

“God, could you two keep it in your pants at least until I leave?” Shepard shouted. “Whatever happened to fraternization regs?”

“You tell us,” Tali said.

All eyes in the room turned to Shepard.

“Well-played,” she said at last. “At least _pretend_ to follow protocol, though, would you? I’d like to keep _some_ measure of deniability.”

“Won’t be a problem, Skipper,” Ashley said, giving a semi-mock salute.

“‘Won’t be a problem’?” James echoed. “Ay, _estás bromeando_. I should call you _tentadora_.”

Ashley barked a laugh. “That sounds like something in _Fornax_.”

“That’s not what it means,” James said with a sigh.

“Fine. You wanna have it out? I’ve got my lunch break in five. We’ll go a few rounds. See who’s got the better strength and stamina, but I’m warning you, I’m a lot harder to break than I look,” Ashley said.

James scoffed. “You’re on. I’ll have you flat on your back begging for mercy in no time.” He turned and left, and Ashley stood to clock out.

Once they were gone, Tali looked at Joker, nonplussed. “They… _were_ talking about sparring, weren’t they?” she said.

Joker shook his head. “I honestly could not tell you.”


	4. Noise Complaint, Pt. 2

“So, what’s the plan, boss?” Kaidan asked as they made their way to the front of the building both Jack and Thane lived in. It was in a seedier part of Zakera Ward, and not normally something Presidium security would be touching with a ten-foot varren pole, but this was a special case.

“I appeal to her reason, you say emotional supportive things, I duck at the right time, you take any blows, I arrest whoever needs it,” Shepard said.

“There are parts of that plan I’m not fully on board with,” Kaidan said.

“No? Well, you don’t really have to _say_ anything, I guess, just make soothing noises. You’re good at that.” Shepard buzzed Jack’s apartment.

It was immediately clear exactly where Thane’s complaint came from. When Jack’s face flickered to life on the vid screen, she was in the middle of a raucous party exactly as described, Bootyherax thumping in the background and all.

“Well if isn’t the long arm of Johnny Law!” Jack said. “Janey Law?”

“Hey, Jack,” said Shepard, looking directly into the camera. “We got a complaint about the noise.”

“So what else is new? Come on, we’re not doing anything illegal, except maybe playing biotiball with your hamster.”

“Jack!”

“Relax! We got the hamster from a pet store!”

_“Jack!”_

“Jesus, Shepard, I’m kidding. We’re not harming any small animals here at all. Unless you count the volus next door. What?” Jack turned away from the camera, her attention drawn momentarily to the party. “Oh, hey!” She turned back to Shepard, holding her glass up in triumph. “Never mind, the volus came to join the party.”

“Jack. Let us up, we need to talk,” Shepard said.

Jack heaved a sigh like Shepard was the biggest buzzkill ever, which Shepard intended to be. “Fine, fine. We can have this talk. I know you’ll just keep _nagging_ me otherwise.”

“You’re learning,” said Shepard. “That’s good.”

They rode the elevator up to Jack’s floor. “Guess I don’t need to ask which apartment’s hers,” Kaidan said. “Just follow the trail of swearing and thrash metal.”

Jack opened the door to her apartment and the full force of her party blasted Kaidan and Shepard in the face like a high-impact shockwave. “Hey, guys,” she shouted nonchalantly. “So what’s the deal? Someone’s bitching about me again? What a shock. Who was it this time? The fish, wasn’t it. I keep telling him to forget it and he’s like, ‘I can’t, I have an eidetic memory.’”

“An eidetic memory?” Kaidan repeated. “That’s impressive.”

“No, what’s _impressive_ is that I remembered the fucking word and I’m at least a coupla sheets to the wind.”

“It doesn’t matter who made the complaint. Uh, well, actually, it does. That’s why I’m here,” Shepard said, not very clearly.

“What she means is,” said Kaidan. “Actually… actually I’m not sure what she means. But you’re not the only person in the building. We know you like to have fun, and we’re not trying to stop that. But, imagine if someone else were throwing a party like this while _you_ were trying to sleep.”

“I’d be pissed,” Jack said.

“My point exactly.”

“Pissed they didn’t invite me! Woo!” She raised her glass high and the rest of the crowd joined in on the cheer.

_“Jack,”_ Shepard snapped over the noise. “Listen. You need to know that you’re not the only person I… look the other way for.”

“Huh? _Oh._ I get it,” Jack said. “This guy’s a felon with benefits too. That’s surprising, actually. My opinion of him just went up a little, I guess. So, you’re here ’cause you wanna keep this guy on the hook.”

“Not… quite,” said Shepard. “I came because I needed to tell you that it’s in your best interests not to piss this guy off.”

Jack scoffed. “Shepard, have you met me?” She motioned to herself. “I’m not scared of some tight-ass guppy.”

“Yeah, I know, you’re a big biotic badass,” Shepard said. “How much good do you think that’ll do you when you’re smothered in your sleep? Or have your neck snapped from behind? I’m not saying those are real possibilities, but I am saying that if you don’t want them to happen to you, you should listen to what I’m telling you.”

Jack laughed. “I gotta say, for just a second there, you almost had me going.”

“Jack. You know this face.” Shepard held up an index finger, indicating. “This is my serious face.”

“To be honest, Shepard, you’re kind of just a big crabby blur. I’m pretty blasted, remember? But I guess that _sounds_ like your serious voice, and you _did_ bring the Boy Scout, which means you were expecting a fight.”

Kaidan turned to shoot Shepard a look.

“He’s here to be the good cop,” Shepard insisted. “Garrus doesn’t get ‘good cop, bad cop.’”

“He really doesn’t,” Kaidan admitted.

“Goddammit, Shepard, _fine._ We’ll lower the volume a little,” Jack huffed.

“Two-thirds,” Shepard said. She held up her omni-tool. “I’m taking readings. Next time I come by, it better be down by _two-thirds.”_

“You honestly expect me to measure it?”

“I can measure it!” a volus said, popping around Jack’s legs. “I have a suit app for that.”

Jack shoved him back behind her. “You know, this wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for these shitty cheap-ass thin walls. Hey.” A lightbulb went on behind her eyes. “Yeah. Okay. Don’t worry, Shep. I got this. See you around, Boy Scout.” She shut the door abruptly, but true to her word, the volume of the party instantly went down.

“I’m concerned,” Shepard said, staring at the door. “That was an idea face. Jack and ideas are Bad News Batarians.”

“She’s a biotic, right? She probably just realized reinforcing her walls with a barrier would get everyone what they want,” Kaidan suggested.

“Yeah… let’s go with that,” Shepard muttered, reluctantly turning away.

“I mean, it’s quieter, isn’t it? Isn’t that the important thing? What else could she get into, really?” Kaidan tried his best to sound cheery and reassuring.

Shepard looked at him, incredulous. “Either you’re blowing smoke up my ass or you honestly think that. Either way, you really are a Boy Scout.”

Kaidan frowned. _“Was.”_


	5. A Study in Rhetoric

“It’s such an honor to be here,” Samantha Traynor said, beaming. “This internship is so competitive, I never thought I stood a chance.”

“You sell yourself short, Cadet Traynor,” Liara said, scrolling through the records displayed on her datapad. “Top of your class, some of the highest exam scores I’ve ever seen, almost as high as my own—”

“Er,” Samantha said delicately. “I’m sorry to interrupt, only, I thought you were a civilian administrator?”

“I am,” Liara said. “I took the exam for fun. Sergeant Vakarian has been ‘demanding a rematch’ for some time. I haven’t told him your score yet. I’m afraid of what it might do to his morale. At any rate, Cadet Traynor, I assure you the honor is ours.”

“You’re too k—oh.” Samantha’s eyes went wide.

Liara turned to follow her gaze. “Is something the matter?”

“I just—I didn’t know you had an IT mech,” Samantha said, forcibly shifting her gaze away from EDI. “Isn’t that a bit distracting? I mean, surely there was no need for one so… so…”

“So…?”

“So… well, sexy?” Samantha said. “I admit that the LOKI design doesn’t have quite the, er, verve, but…”

“Do you think you’ll have a problem working with EDI?” Liara asked.

Samantha’s gaze drifted again. “EDI? Is that its name?” She shook herself and turned back to Liara. “No, no, I’m so sorry, I must seem so unprofessional to you right now. God, what an embarrassment.” She shook her head, covering her face with her hand. “Not that it’s an excuse, but I’ve never seen that design before and I thought I was familiar with all official department models.”

“EDI’s… special,” Liara said.

“That it is,” Samantha muttered.

“Perhaps you should speak face-to-face, in order to get used to EDI’s… presence,” Liara said. EDI turned, and Liara motioned her over.

“I apologize for eavesdropping, but as you are probably aware, I cannot really help it,” EDI said.

“Oh god, and that voice too. Why would you do this to a person?” Samantha took a deep breath. “Right. This is just a blip, a one-time lapse in discipline. Curves aside, it really is a beautiful mech—technically speaking, I mean. Do you know its specs?”

Liara and EDI exchanged glances, some unspoken conversation passing between them. “She uses a blue box,” Liara said.

“Bl—” Samantha blanched. “You mean she’s an _AI?”_

“That is correct, Cadet Traynor,” said EDI. “I hope this does not change your opinion of me. I was feeling quite flattered.”

“Oh god,” Samantha said, slumping down into her chair. “I knew this internship was too good to be true, because now all I want is for the ground to open up and swallow me whole.”

“Statistically unlikely, as we are physically located in the upper levels of a space station,” EDI said. “That is to say, there is no true ground to speak of within several dozen light years of our position.”

“That was a joke,” Liara said helpfully to Samantha.

“Though technically correct,” EDI added.

Samantha pillowed her head face-down on her desktop with a groan. “Could this be any more awkward?”

“Yes,” EDI said. “I could bring Shepard into this conversation, or perhaps Jeff.”

“What?” Samantha’s head shot back up. “No! No, no, no! Absolutely do not bring the lieutenant or anyone else into this conversation! In fact, I’d like to _remove_ myself from it. Can we _please_ just pretend this never happened?”

“We could,” EDI said, and Samantha felt a bloom of hope in her chest. It was crushed when EDI went on, “Though I am quite interested to know what exactly it is about my voice that you find so appealing. I have received and overheard compliments on my physical proportions before, but seldom has the pitch and tone of my auditory output attracted similar attention.”

“It’s, well,” Samantha said, glancing at Liara for help and finding none. “It’s difficult to explain. Why does anyone find anything attractive, really?”

“According to studies—”

“Why would you say that?” Liara said, shaking her head. “EDI, that was rhetorical.”

“I see,” EDI said. “Redefining parameters.”

“Anyway, it’s not really important,” Samantha said quickly. “I just, umm. Was a bit surprised. I didn’t know C-Sec employed AI at all.”

“The IT lead for the graveyard shift is a geth,” Liara said.

“Oh! Don’t the quarians have a problem with that?” Samantha asked. “I mean, not that they _should._ Only that one might expect—that is to say, it seems like the sort of thing…”

Liara cut her off gently. “There aren’t any quarians on graveyard, and, well…”

“Tali’Zorah does not know about the geth,” EDI finished. “It is something of an office-wide conspiracy, deemed necessary for workplace harmony.”

“Oh.” Samantha frowned.

“You disapprove, Cadet Traynor?”

“Well, it’s not exactly that so much as it seems like the sort of thing that’s bound to lead to more trouble later on down the line. After all, sooner or later it’s sure to get out, I expect, and then the problem will be compounded by the fact that you lied to… Tali…” Samantha trailed off as Liara’s eyes went wide and she began to shake her head.

“Lied to Tali about what?” a voice behind her demanded.

Samantha turned. Tali was standing right behind her, because of course she was.

“Oh god,” Samantha said for the she didn’t-know-how-many-th time. “This is why I’m better at working with data rather than people.”

“I understand this sentiment and share it,” EDI said.

“Well, you’re an AI, EDI, so that’s only reasonable,” Samantha said, wringing her hands.

“I apologize, I was unclear. I meant I agreed that you work better with data rather than people.”

“Oh. Thanks.” Samantha dropped her head on her desktop again.

 _“Lied to Tali about what?”_ Tali insisted, hands on hips.

“It would defeat the purpose of the lie to tell you,” EDI pointed out.

“You guys do know I can just ask Kaidan, right?”

“Sergeant Alenko went along with the lie due to his strong belief in the importance of cohesion and peace.”

“Yes, but he’s never had to look me in the eye and lie right to my face.”

“Point of order,” EDI said. “No one has ever looked you in the eye and spoken to your face at all.”

There was a pause.

“That was a joke,” EDI said.

“That’s nice,” Tali said. “Now. _Lied. To. Tali. About. What.”_

“There are geth working for the department,” Liara admitted finally.

Tali’s face was impossible to read—but then, it always was. “What,” she said flatly.

“Rhetorical,” Liara said to EDI quickly. “I’m sorry, Tali. We really thought—”

“That I would never find out?”

“Well… yes.”

Tali skirted Samantha’s desk, pushing between EDI and Liara as she marched towards Shepard’s office.

“Oh, god. I’ve made a complete mess of everything, haven’t I?” Samantha groaned. “And it’s only my first day.”

Liara patted her on the shoulder. “Then you’ll fit right in.”


	6. An Internal Affair

“Morning, Shepard. You look like hell,” Garrus said, finishing the transfer of reports before retracting his omni-tool.

Shepard threw her head back and took a long drink of coffee. Garrus had noted steam coming off the top, but however hot the liquid was, it didn’t seem to bother Shepard. “Thanks. I can always count on my number two guy to really bring up the mood.”

“Number two?” Garrus said, sounding hurt. “Who’s number one?”

“Me, you twit. I’m number one,” Shepard said. She pointed at herself, then him. “One, two. Jesus, Garrus.”

Garrus held up his hands, an ancient Turian gesture of surrender. “You seem a little bit… run-down. Would it be out of line for me to suggest you leave early?”

“No. I mean yes, but I don’t care.” Shepard took another swig of coffee. “And I can’t leave. I’m fine. I’m just midway through a double. Had to fill in for graveyard.”

“What? You’ve been working for eleven hours straight now?”

“Only? I mean, uh… sure, that sounds about right.”

“Shepard…”

She waved him off. “Don’t do the mom thing. I’ve already got Alenko hovering around me like some sort of demented hummingbird.” She pointed to the open blinds of her office windows, where Kaidan was clearly visible peering back at them and bobbing anxiously.

“Don’t worry, Shepard. My maternal instinct is minimal at best,” Garrus said.

“Don’t sell yourself short, Garrus. You can nag with the best of ’em.”

“So why do they have you working a double, anyway? What happened to graveyard’s LT?”

“It’s not that,” Shepard said. “C-Sec thinks there’s something hinky going on with graveyard and they want me to scope it out.”

“‘Hinky’?” Garrus tapped his translator.

“Yeah, you know. Sketchy. Iffy. Shady,” Shepard said. “Hinky.”

“Sure,” said Garrus.

“By the way, keep a lid on this. Stays between you, me, and Alenko, _who I know can read lips.”_ She leaned around Garrus and enunciated this part clearly in Kaidan’s direction.

Kaidan quickly dropped his hands and turned away, trying and failing to appear innocent and uninterested.

“So why you, specifically?” Garrus asked.

“Beats me.” Shepard shrugged. “Some bullshit about honor and trustworthiness and I dunno, you know how it is when the brass starts talking, it kinda turns into white noise.”

“No, Shepard, I have to confess that I usually listen to them when they talk.” Garrus paused. “To a point.”

Shepard grinned at him but graciously didn’t say any form of _told you so_ or _my point exactly._ “Well, cats, bags, and all that, you might as well have a seat and I’ll tell you more.”

Garrus sat, but added, “Cats? What? Shepard, you know the translator can’t pick up idioms at all if you don’t bother to _say them_ out loud. Honestly sometimes I think they should add a mod specifically designed to fit you. One of these days you’re going to start a war.”

“No good. Then the Council might realize exactly what I mean when I say ‘kiss my ass,’ or how often I tell them to do it. Kaidan, you can come in too.”

She didn’t raise her voice for the last part, but Kaidan nevertheless hurried inside the office, shut the door gently behind him, and slipped into the empty chair next to Garrus.

“What’s up, chief?” he asked.

“All right, like I said, this stays between the three of us,” Shepard said.

“Me as well,” a disembodied voice said.

Shepard sighed. Of course. EDI. “The _four_ of us.”

“So I should stop broadcasting this conversation live to Jeff?” EDI’s voice said.

“Ha, ha,” Shepard said. “One of these days I’m going to strangle Joker for the charming sense of humor he imprinted on her.”

“Not for any of the other reasons?” Kaidan asked.

“Fair,” said Shepard. “When I strangle Joker, it will be for a lot of reasons.”

“Actually, LT, that… wasn’t a joke,” Joker said over the comm.

There was a long moment of silence before Shepard finally heaved a sigh. “I’m _attempting_ to be serious about keeping a lid on this, guys. Consider it an order. Like a…” She waved a hand. “Super order.”

“A ‘super order’?” Garrus repeated.

“I’m not finding any such terminology in my database, Shepard,” said EDI.

Kaidan laughed. “Super-sized order.”

Shepard pointed a finger at him. _“Exactly._ Do what I say and also bring me a giant order of fries. So here’s the deal. There’s been an increase in black market activity in this part of the Citadel, which is pretty unusual. This is not a place for back alley dealings. I don’t think there even _are_ any back alleys. So brass thinks they’ve got an inside man, someone in C-Sec. When they analyzed the data—”

Garrus perked up a little at the words “analyzed” and “data.”

“—they concluded that if there is a mole, they’re almost definitely in graveyard. That’s when activity seems to peak and it would be the best choice for the black marketeers.”

“Yeah, swing shift’s not really the time for dealing in illegal goods,” Joker said. “Sell a shipment of submachine guns, drop off the company fighter, catch a cab home for a late supper with the family and _I Love Lusiara_ reruns.”

“I love that show,” Shepard said at the same time Garrus said, “I hate that show.”

“You would,” they both said to each other.

“I like it,” Kaidan added belatedly.

“Two against one. I win. Pay up,” Shepard said to Garrus.

“Why are people always making bets with me that I didn’t agree to?” Garrus asked no one in particular, so everyone felt free to ignore him.

“So got any suspects?” Kaidan asked Shepard.

“Who is even on graveyard, anyway?” Joker asked. “I don’t think I’ve really ever met them.”

“Yes, well, that’s what comes of perpetually being fifteen minutes late to your _own_ shift. The previous shift tends to be long gone by that time,” Shepard said.

“Hey, you said that was okay if I brought donuts.”

“I said you _should_ bring me donuts if you wanted me to not kick your ass, and you never even did _that.”_

Joker scoffed audibly. “Yeah, well… you used to be fun!”

“When?” said Garrus, Kaidan, and EDI.

Shepard shot them dirty looks, making a mental note to give EDI hers later. “Well, the sergeants there are Miranda and Jacob. They seem all right. That is, Jacob is such a _dad_ I can’t even see him making an unauthorized U-turn, and Miranda’s too… well, for one thing I’m pretty sure she’s too smart to get caught.”

“Not exactly a stellar character endorsement,” Garrus said.

“True nevertheless,” Shepard said. “They have an AI, Legion. He’s IT.”

“The head of IT?” Kaidan asked.

“No, he _is_ IT,” Shepard said. “That’s it. Just him. He’s all they need.”

_“Hmm,”_ said Garrus pointedly.

“I know. Don’t worry, I already filed a report suggesting Joker is redundant.”

_“Hey!”_ Joker said.

“I don’t like Legion for this, though. An AI wouldn’t leave this kind of trail.”

“I know Legion,” EDI said. “I have interfaced with him on more than one occasion and I believe him to be a trustworthy platform.”

“Hey, wait,” Joker interrupted. “What does that mean? ‘Interfaced’? EDI? That was a joke, right? EDI?”

“Who else is there?” Garrus prompted.

“Mm, their lab guys, I guess. Wilson is the head, and he has Gabby and Ken working under him. Each of them on their own is probably smart enough to do it. If it’s Gabby or Ken though, I can almost guarantee you they’re in it together, in which case I’m pretty sure I can get Ken to talk.”

“How?”

Shepard pointed at her chest.

“Would you really stoop so low?” Garrus asked.

“I wouldn’t have to stoop _that_ low,” Shepard said. “Just bend over a bit.”

“Okay, I don’t need to hear this,” Garrus said, while Kaidan’s cheeks turned red and he quickly turned away to study an interesting spot on the ceiling.

“Mm, I guess it’s possible it could be Kelly. She consults on all three shifts,” Shepard went on thoughtfully.

“Kelly _Chambers?”_ Kaidan said. “No. Not her style.”

“That’s a bit naïve, don’t you think?” Garrus said.

“I’m inclined to agree with Kaidan, honestly. This doesn’t smell like her,” Shepard said.

Kaidan drew himself up a bit smugly but refrained from actually preening.

“Chakwas and her assistant, What’s-Her-Face, they’re also _technically_ possible.”

“Not Chakwas,” Joker said immediately.

“‘What’s-Her-Face’ is named Michel,” Garrus added. “If it’s not Kelly, I can guarantee you it’s not Dr. Michel.”

“I’ve already ruled out pretty much everybody in the motor pool,” Shepard said, shaking her head. “Once I cleared Cortez I had him poke around for me and there’s really nothing to suggest a connection. Motor pool wouldn’t have easy access to the right systems and items anyway.”

“Anybody else?”

“Their best detective is Kai somebody-or-other, I get bad vibes from him. Also, he’s a bag of dicks.”

“So he’s their Ashley,” Joker said.

“I’m going to tell her you said that,” Kaidan said with a devious smile.

“Whatever. I’ve got a robot girlfriend to protect me.”

“What makes you think I would protect you?” EDI asked.

Joker sighed. “I give up. No winning with you guys today. Ow! EDI!”

“What happened?” Shepard said.

“I tried to give him a reassuring pat on the shoulder,” EDI said.

_“Pat?_ I think you broke my clavicle!”

Shepard shook her head. “Better get him to medical then.”

“Any other possible suspects?” Kaidan prompted.

“Umm, there’s Javik,” Shepard said. “He’s also a dick, but I feel like this is all a bit beneath him.”

“I’ve heard of him,” said Kaidan. “He’s the Prothean guy, isn’t he?”

“Yeah,” said Shepard. “Don’t say anything to Liara. If she finds out he works in the same department—”

“Uh, Shepard, maybe this is a good time to remind you that Liara keeps your office bugged,” Garrus said delicately.

Shepard blanched. “Oh, goddammit. I mean, no, I didn’t forget, not even for a second, that was a joke, you know, like how EDI always says, ‘That was a joke’? That was a joke.”

Garrus shook his head while Kaidan lowered his face into his hand.

“So anyway, now that I’ve gotten to that joke, which was the punchline of all of this, we all need to get back to work which has nothing to do with Protheans,” Shepard said, too loudly.

“Hey, why don’t you send us copies of the files?” Kaidan suggested. “A fresh pair of eyes or two can never hurt, right?”

“Yes, we might catch something you missed,” Garrus added.

Shepard shot him a glare. “What’s that supposed to mean? You saying I miss things, Vakarian?”

“Well… yeah, I guess,” Garrus said with a shrug.

“Dismissed, both of you,” Shepard said, then reluctantly added, “I’ll send you some data to take a look at in your downtime. Now get out!”

“You’re welcome,” Garrus said cheekily.

_“Go!”_


	7. As A Friend

“Excuse me.”

Shepard looked up. The woman before her was turian, a species Shepard didn’t see often in civvies. She didn’t see much of _any_ species in civvies, come to think of it. But from what Shepard had learned from the few female turians she knew through C-Sec, this woman was dressed fairly nicely, her fringe styled neatly, meaning she was going somewhere special or otherwise trying to make a good impression.

“I’m looking for Garrus Vakarian,” the woman said.

Shepard felt her lip curl into a grin in spite of herself. Ashley had called it her “fiendish” look—Shepard had reprimanded her for that at the time, mostly because it was accurate. “Vakarian?” she said.

“Yes, I… his name is on this desk, so I thought it was his…” The woman looked a little annoyed, like she was trying to be polite in spite of herself.

“It is. He stepped away for a minute.” Shepard propped her elbow on the desk and leaned forward, chin in hand. “So, did he use the ‘turian bad boy’ line on you?”

“I beg your pardon?” the woman said.

“‘Something something Garrus Vakarian, all-around turian bad boy, blah blah,’ or something like that.”

“No…”

“Oh. Damn. I was gonna make fun of him for it,” Shepard said.

“What? Make fun of him?”

“Yeah, you know, as a friend.” Shepard stretched her arms over her head and leaned back in Garrus’s chair. “He likes to think of himself as a badass, but he’s really probably the most straight-laced person here. Don’t get me wrong, guy can drill a hole between your eyes at a hundred meters, but he’ll be going through a detailed mental checklist of protocol first. He can make an elcor look spontaneous and perky in comparison. I’m not speaking hypothetically; I’ve seen it, swear to god. It’s endearing, honestly.” The fiendish look melted off her face a little. “Good man. I’m glad he didn’t try the stupid ‘bad boy’ line on you.”

“No, he has definitely never said anything like that to me,” the turian woman said, a little amused now.

“Yeah. Anyway he’ll be back in a minute and I just had to take the chance to mock him behind his back. I guess _to be fair,_ compared to other turians, he might seem, I don’t know, _roguish.”_ Shepard laughed, and once she got started, she found she couldn’t stop. “I’m sorry, it’s just, the whole idea is so hilarious to me.”

Shepard had still not managed to collect herself when Garrus appeared. The turian woman smiled and greeted him calmly, unfazed by Shepard’s paroxysms. “At last, the man of the hour.”

Garrus took in the tableau before him. “Why do I suddenly get a very bad feeling in my carapace? And I told you, I don’t like it when you lean back in my chair like that, you’re going to break it.” He pushed against his desk chair to upright it.

Shepard laughed harder as she got to her feet, motioning to Garrus. “Exhibit A.”

“So… it looks like you two have been having a nice chat, getting to know one another, ruining my life,” Garrus said, frowning.

“We haven’t been formally introduced.” The turian woman turned to Shepard. “I’m Solana Vakarian.”

Shepard caught her breath and wiped tears of mirth from her eyes. “Pleasure to… wait, oh, shit, Solana. You’re his sister.” Shepard put a hand over her mouth. “I thought you were his date. I would have said _way_ more embarrassing things if I’d known you were his sister. And made you tell me more in return.”

Garrus put his head in his hand.

“I can access some of my photo data, if you like,” Solana said, bringing up her omni-tool.

Garrus leapt forward, grabbing her arm. “Sol, this is _Lieutenant Shepard my boss.”_

Now it was Solana’s turn to look surprised. “In that case,” she said, “I would gladly have told you much more embarrassing things in return.”

“Solana can be forgiven, since you were loafing at my desk—why, by the way?—but Shepard, how could you not tell who this was?” Garrus said.

“I’m sorry, Garrus, I guess I just didn’t recognize the standard turian phonomenes,” Shepard said. “And I only even know the word ‘phonomene’ because I heard it from Mordin.”

“And you got it wrong anyway, the word is _phenotype,”_ Garrus said with a sigh. He indicated the blue markings on his face. “These? Right here? Nearly identical?”

Shepard squinted. “Oh. I guess they are.” She shrugged. “My b. Nice to finally meet you, Solana. Don’t worry, Garrus has only said good things, at least when I was paying attention.”

“Same goes for you,” Solana said. “My brother has a great deal of respect for you.”

Shepard looked at Garrus in surprise. “That so? Tell me more.”

“Or don’t,” Garrus said quickly. “Sol, we need to leave immediately or we’ll miss our reservation.”

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say he was trying to keep us from talking,” Shepard said dryly. “I wonder why.”

“I am not trying to keep you from talking,” Garrus said. “I am only trying to keep you from talking _about me,_ at least not while I don’t have control of the conversation. Now, Sol, if you please. You look very nice, by the way. I hope that asari is treating you well.” He put his arm almost around her waist and led her gently toward the exit.

“‘That asari’ has a name, and don’t worry, you’ll hear all about her. First things first, though…”

Shepard watched them go. “Ah, family,” she said to no one in particular. Then she went back to searching Garrus’s desk for his hot glue gun. Garrus had every kind of gun. A nail gun, some type of soldering gun, a staple gun, a rivet gun, even, for some reason, a drywall gun. The weird thing was, all his tools seemed to work with particularly sharp precision, like he’d been calibrating them—was that even _possible?_ Well, Shepard reasoned, if anyone could do it, it was Garrus, turian bad boy of calculus.


End file.
